Turn Away

My journal entry from Tuesday, April 23, 1991, 6:40 a.m., Doctors' Hospital, Modesto, CA

OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!...

I am sitting next to my middle son's bed. My four year old youngest son is in the next room. The news is on television. My son just closed his eyes. Candy is dead! It is so hard to write, much less understand, what has gone on...

Beck's Lyrics to Turn Away

Turn turn away
From the weight of your own past
It's magic for the devil
And betray the lack of change
Once you have spoken
Turn away...

In my 10 week Spirituality class we were asked to identify what was holding us back, and in essence, write a mantra about it. Mine focused on forgiveness. I have had really shitty things happen to me in my life, but none of it bore the weight of what happened that night. I was mad; mad at God, why did she die so close to home with the kids in the car?

I was crazy mad at circumstances and most of all mad at myself. Why wasn't I there? Why wasn't I driving?

Saturday night my wife Candy went to her mom's to tell her about the divorce she and I had recently filed. I had spent the evening at my oldest sisters in Dublin and we went out to dinner. On the 60 mile drive home from Dublin I bought a bottle of diet 7-Up, to mix with Seagrams when I got home, to make some good, strong drinks.

When I got home to Patterson, I called my dear friend (and former sister-in-law)  to see if she heard if Candy had talked to her mom (about the divorce) and how it went. Marie said she hadn't heard from Candy. So, I called Candy's mom and ended up talking to her about an hour about the divorce. I then drank my second drink, put Bonnie Raitt on the stereo and went to sleep. I was only asleep about five minutes when I got a call...

Survivors guilt?

It's been a brick in my heart. I have cried so many tears. Our decision to end our marriage was mutual and very painful. But, we made it together, intent to part as friends.

We were each even anticipating the life we could have separately that we could never have had together. Suddenly everything changed. We shared our dreams of lives apart with each other. I was the only one who would be able to live that life...

I have a great and happy life in the here and now. Yet I am, almost 25 years later still afraid to let go and forgive myself, perhaps lest she die a second death?

Here I am playing this song over and over...

Turn turn away
From the weight of your own past
It's magic for the devil
And betray the lack of change
Once you have spoken
Turn away...

My mantra?

I am forgiveness, I am forgiving

Therefore, I have to forgive myself. Let that part of her go. But, I don't have to forget, do I?